Tomorrow is Christmas...or rather, by the time I post this blog entry I should say today is Christmas.  I just wrapped my presents for the rest of the family and looking at my small pile, all I can say is "lame!"

Nobody wants to be a fool, myself included.

Today I was walking along an overgrown walkway by the river and I stopped at a corner in the path.  There was a clearing of trees where I could see the water, overlooking the promenade.  It was such a glorious day, with mild weather (by my standards) yet a cool breeze.  I could wear a T-shirt comfortably in late October.  The skies were clear and I watched some geese gathered together, sitting peacefully in the sun.  There was nobody in sight and I was so overjoyed, so caught up in the wonder of the moment that I thought to stretch my arms wide and praise God for it all.

I didn't.  That behavior seemed foolish so I simply leaned forward on the signpost there and gazed upon the horizon.  I kept my excitement inside and whispered my praise to God.  When I turned around and walked a few paces I realized that there was a man on a park bench doing the same.  From a distance he could have seen me - in fact it was very likely that he was watching from afar.  He introduced himself as I approached and we got to talking briefly.  We both commented on what a fine day it was.  Brock complimented me on my manners and said I was a very handsome young man (a comment I don't hear often but was especially grateful for after receiving a dramatic haircut just a few hours before).

Pause.  That is exactly the problem.  You see, too much of our dialogue or the compliments paid were directed at me.  Would, or could, our conversation have been different if Brock simply saw me stretch my arms out wide?

The lesson learned is that if God says to do something we need to DO IT!  No matter how foolish it may seem.  The foolish are condemned for their contempt towards God and his commands, but in one place throughout the Bible Paul gives it a different tone.  In 1 Corinthians 1 he says: "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise..."

Living for Christ doesn't always mean doing the most sensible act.  In fact, it often means the exact opposite by the standards of the world.  We must follow God's leading, not our own course of action, and even if we don't want to a blown opportunity shows that we must be fools for Him.

My birthday is August 4th (8/4).  I celebrated that birthday for 16 years, and I wondered why it never meant much to me.  Then I committed my life to Christ at age 16.  I remember the night very clearly - what I thought and what I felt and exactly what I wrote in my journal entry that Thursday night.  It was in the month of April when I celebrated a new birthday, a rebirth through the blood of Christ.

Two years later I was reflecting and thinking back on when I first became a Christian.  I recalled that night when I made the biggest decision of my life and, in hopes of revisiting my roots, I went to pull out the journal entry I wrote.  Problem is, it was nowhere to be found.  This was rather strange because I am an extremely organized person and very rarely lose or misplace anything.  My journal entry was gone and I had no physical evidence to bring me back to that moment in time.  I remembered that it was a Thursday night and that it was in April.  Best I could do was look at a calendar and search my memory, trying to recall what the exact day was.  With my finger on the calendar page I guessed April 8th (4/8).  And that date blew my mind!  Because a short while after I publicly declared April 8th my "spiritual birthday" I recognized that this date was the exact reversal of my true, physical birthday.  God did a work in me, evoking a change in my thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.  Furthermore, He marked this moment with a very significant date, a symbolic gesture of sorts.

The journal entry was gone but that no longer mattered to me much.  The evidence had disappeared but now God left me with an even greater story to tell; I had the date to prove it!  So I lived by this for another two years.  Today that all changed yet again.  By God's grace I actually found my journal entry!!  I don't know what to compare it to for surely no earthly possession could mean as much to me as these few sheets of notebook paper.  My eyes scanned over the pages, rereading words that once poured out from my heart, but then I came to the date.  It read April 1st, 4/1.  That was like a kick in the gut, because while one item was found, another was lost.  I was delighted to find my journal but torn by the reality that this date was a falacy all along. 

Finally, God spoke to me.  He revealed this long lost journal entry in order to convey a message.  Instead of hanging my head low, God told me to cheer up.  It was as if a soft whisper, like one of a relative at a funeral, delivering hopeful news, only in a somber moment.  I thought the date was 4/8, but He revealed after four long years that in fact it was 4/1.  Why?  Because the truth is that He was at work in me even before I knew it, even before I thought He was changing me.  And once again, I have discovered something about my birthday that makes me ever so glad to be alive.  

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19,20

As humans, we need to recognize two marks of what it is to be human.  Our mere existence tells us a little bit of who we are and what we are called for.  But before I go too far, the fact is that we are called.  Every person, regardless of their religious beliefs, is brought into existence by another.  It is my personal conviction that I was created by the one and only God at the beginning of time.  Others will disagree and attribute their existence to another deity or even the circumstances of chance.  But nobody can reasonably testify that they created themselves or, as the professor James V. Schall once said, “threw themselves into being.” 

Therefore, the fact that we exist implies that we belong to another.  We have a belonging to our families, belonging to our friends, and belonging to our country, naturally.  But above all, we belong to whomever or whatever created us in the first place. 

Then if we are brought into existence for another, we must have some purpose, or some end, to achieve before our existence is made complete.  This is the second mark of what it is to be human.  We have a responsibility to fulfill before our peers, our society, and most of all our maker because He made us unique.  Humans are distinct from animals, superior to any bird or fish, and possessing an intellect far greater than any other species.  How can this be?  The entity who first created us must have implanted a part of Himself into such a special creation.  I hold that this is the image of God, reflected in our person and designed that way from the start.  But even if and when that image was tarnished, God restored it to us at a great price.  This time through a redemptive act, not a creative act, we again see that we belong to another.  The restoration of our fallen person imposes a weightier calling – to honor that same God.

Recent circumstances have caused me to reflect on these truths.  My friends will soon be seniors in college.  Even before their junior year has come to a close, they have already begun to discuss what life might be like after college or how their lives and relationships will change.  I, too, will share this experience, only a year later than most of the people I am closest to.  I can relate to some of their anxieties, though the reality has not hit me quite as severely.  For now, I am delighted and fearful at the same time; delighted to see these things from a new perspective but fearful of what is yet to come. 

My greatest concern has been what or whom will I take with me after I graduate?  Loneliness, you might say, is lingering in the back of my mind.  Chances are that I will not live in such close proximity with friends as I do here, nor will I even be able to associate with most of them personally.  Call me a realist or a fatalist, but I am already acknowledging that I will lose most of my friendships following graduation.  On the one hand relocation will put a distance between me and others, but on the other familial responsibilities will drive a wedge between us.  I don’t know where I will be yet or what I will be doing post-graduation, but I have no doubt that I will lose many contacts.  This is particularly troubling because I would like to have at least one person, if not a small handful, throughout the rest of my life with whom I can look back and remember these four or five years.  Otherwise, every friendship will indeed be lost, leaving only a memory. 

Should this be the case and I become separated from every person who has shaped my life these past few years, there is still hope.  I am reminded in this moment of anxiety and despair that I do not belong to myself.  I belong to friends at present.  Hopefully through the times we share and the thoughts we exchange, my existence has promoted their growth and general fulfillment in life.  But if I fail to accomplish that purpose, or if that calling dies at graduation, I am comforted with the knowledge that at least I belong to God – in past, present, and future.  Fears of loneliness need not grip me because there is one who has persisted with me throughout this time and one who will never leave me, even if college does.  Irrespective of choice, my existence owes itself to Him and the redemption He has provided leaves me with an obligation to serve Him.  This is not troubling, in fact, it is encouraging.  I may not have total freedom and independence, but would I really want it even if that were attainable?  It is consoling to know that I am not my own.  No matter what may happen from here on out, through the rest of my college career and after, the fact that I belong to an other (and that “other” is my maker) means that I will never be alone.  What a wonderful feeling that is!

The question that remains is how well I am recognizing and fulfilling my obligations to my master now?  I know that I belong to God, but do I live as such?  Do I accept these truths and take them seriously enough?  Do I honor God with my body?  Do I seek to fulfill my sense of belonging or accomplish my obligations before others enough, and when I do, do I do this so much that I neglect those same responsibilities before God?  There are great burdens and great blessings when we understand and accept our belonging to another.  This is not a matter to be taken lightly.  The feeling of loneliness is a lingering fear now, but it can certainly become a reality.  I need to learn and live this more fully now, not just for my own security, but so that I may honor God as my creator and sustainer above all else.

I just shaved.  Yes, I grew out a full beard (for a month anyways) and now it's all gone.  I found this little exercise rather amusing because I got so many different reactions from people. 

Many were shocked when I started growing a beard.  I didn't make any announcement of this, so the peach fuzz seemed to have one of two effects: either (1) it fascinated people or (2) it perplexed them.  Some looked as if they had never seen facial hair before.  Some were surprised to see me clean one day and then bearded when we crossed paths a week later.  Some were just confused as to why I would ever sport that look.  (And to them I humbly agree, it's not all that attractive).

On the other hand, my closest friends hardly noticed.  When I started growing out my beard, they just kinda smiled and said, "Oh look, a Benja-beard to match the Benja-mullet."  People got so used to the bearded look that it became their permanent mental image of me.  And then when I shaved it all off, they were equally as surprised as when I first started growing it.  Some didn't recognize me.  But to my closest friends, it didn't make a difference.  They passed me on the street, clean shaven, and didn't pay a care, as if that's the way I had always been.  

The most amusing reaction was from one of my professors.  He tends to greet students before class and tries to strike up a conversation with them.  The one day he approached me and never said "Hello," never said "Good morning."  No formal introduction.  His manner of greeting me was: "Benjamin, you're looking more like Jesus every day."  To which I covered my face, probably turned about four shades of red, and thereafter gave a good chuckle.  True as his statement was though, I think it is a safe assumption that his analysis wasn't based on my character.

In fact, this beard is so incredibly symbolic of my life.   It's a mask, just like every other mask I disguise myself with.  I can put it on whenever I want and take it off whenever I want.  People still see me and know that it's me.  Acquaintances are a little surprised, unsuspecting and wondering who they really see.  To my closest friends, however, they know the tricks, know the places I try to cover up, and I'm the same imperfect person they've always known.  Both appearances fit me, but only one is truthful.  This is precisely how a mask works.

And yet I use it so often.   Why I ever hide I don't know; I just know that I'm a master at it.  Now I'm not talking about growing a beard and mixing into a crowd where the FBI will never find a their "most wanted" man.  I'm talking about simply concealing my inner character and my inner struggles from an unsuspecting world.  There is so much that I suppress and so the people around me only see my outward appearance.  I give them a shallow impression of the individual standing before them.

Over the past two months I have hit an all time low.  My life has been covered with sin, riddled with anxiety, complicated by fractured relationships, and painted over with hurt.  Every day I see myself slipping further and further, and this most likely won't change quickly.  I've been bottling up so much which I haven't shared with other people and so the foundation of my true person is steadily crumbling into ruin.  To say that I put on a thick mask is an understatement.  The beard of several weeks past has only been a symbol for what has been happening on the inside.  And I am grateful for the few friends who picked up on that, for the individuals who pray for me and hold me accountable to my sin.  Even just to share in my emotions makes a huge difference.

I just shaved, but the fact remains that I am not clean shaven yet.  I have a lot of work to do in cleaning house, and though I don't know exactly where this is going, I know that God is and will continue to shape my character through the experiences of the past few months.  I just need to take my mask off and allow Him to do so.

I tend to be the type of person who feels very uncomfortable when no one talks.  It always makes me feel just a tad bit awkward when my family sits down to a meal in silence, when I'm driving with one soft-spoken passenger in the car, and when I join a friend at the cafeteria but have nothing to say.  Not that I am the most outgoing and social person in the world - I like listening even more than talking - but there is something about such situations that just causes me to shift in my seat a little.  Surely you can have been in similar situations.  Maybe you are comfortable sitting with a close friend and finishing a meal without saying a word, and that is okay, but a relationship that is silent all the time never grows.  That should make you uncomfortable.

So compare this to our conversation with God.  Our prayer life.  Is it filled with fast-paced dialogue or does it come up short for words?  Prayer can be all of the above; it takes many forms depending on the setting and what you bring to the table.  But sometimes it is beneficial to press the pause button and consider what your conversation typically looks like.  Where is the balance between what you say and what God says?  This is an area where I have "known" what prayer looks like, but I am just recently learning that lesson and seeing it in practice.  The conversation isn't one sided.  God doesn't overload us with more than we can handle, He instructs us and reveals Himself to us in bite-sized portions, whenever the timing is right.  In the same manner, I shouldn't be ranting about my life and pleading selfish requests all the time.  I must also listen to what my opposite has to say.  And some days this balance is more one-sided than others, but whatever it looks like, our relationship isn't silent.  Neither should our conversation, and most importantly our prayer, be characterized by silence.

"Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:7,8

When I serve people, I seek to be humble (though that is not always the case).  If someone responds, saying "thank you" or "I really appreciate that," I try to dismiss it.  I often don't think of my act as anything too significant and repay their kind words with "Oh, it was nothing," or "Well, I didn't really do much for you."  That all changes when I serve someone and it comes at great cost.  When I lay it all on the line, giving up a great deal of time and sacrificing something of personal worth, I tend to lose that it was nothing attitude.  All of a sudden I perceive my action as more than just an act of service, but something that deserves recognition or something where I must be thanked.  I lose the element of selflessness and give up an attitude of humility.

So why do we worship?  Why does God demand that our entire being, our very existence should glorify Him?  The illustration is very clear.  Who among us has ever served another and paid such a high price for that person that we would lose our very life?  We say that we would take a bullet for a friend, but how many of us have actually done it?  And for the minority of heroes in this world that have, who has died for that friend and lives to tell the tale?  Obviously no one.  So is Jesus being selfish in demanding that we give Him so much praise?  Should He stop shouting "Look at Me!!!" and take a step down from His pedestal?  Not at all.  When you can perform a sacrificial act of greater merit than Him, then you can make that request.  The catch is that none of us, no human being ever will live up to that privilege.  When I'm prideful, I try to take on the character of God because I want the praise, I want the recognition - all the while I am in no position to receive it.  By priding myself in what I've done, nobody - not even me - gains any ground.  By humbling myself I have a greater capacity to glorify Him.  I must decrease in order that He may increase.

What an incredible phenomena I'm experiencing!  Lately, I've seen so many things come around full circle, where one thing happens and then that event reoccurs, just through another person.  At the beginning of this summer a mentor confronted me with some sin patterns that he recognized in me.  Then towards the end of the summer I was placed in a position to mentor someone else who was caught up in very similar issues.  Last night I had the privilege of sitting down with a friend at dinner and ministering to him.  We spoke for a couple hours about some personal dilemmas and I was able to encourage him through my words.  Then almost immediately after I watched a movie with some friends which sparked some discussion.  They in turn ministered to me, encouraging and challenging me in various aspects of my faith. 

Do I believe in "karma?"  Nah, not really.  If I did, there would be an exact balance to everything in this world.  For every action there would be a reaction; for every selfless act another selfless act would be returned; for every sin committed a sin would come back to cause damage.  Sometimes we see that and when we do it makes sense.  But if everything has such a finely tuned equilibrium, what is grace?  What is sacrifice?  The very idea of these concepts and the evidence of existence behind them must nullify karma.  So what am I experiencing?  Is it coincidence or chance?  No.  That's God.

My Christian brothers and sisters, first know that I love you deeply.  Second, I have to express a frustration of mine and a pattern I unfortunately recognize in many other believers.  Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."

Did you soak that in?  That means keep your promises.  Stick to your word.  Follow through when you say you are or aren't going to do something.  That's easy for me to say because I realize organization and planning are among my strengths; they may not be as much for others.  It either is or is not natural for us based on our personalities, the way God created us.  I am blessed to be given those gifts, even though I know that posessing organizational talent, planning skills, or responsibility does not make me any better than those who do not.  Now, look at yourself.  Natural or unnatural, are you holding to your plans and your word, or are you falling short of that mark? 
I have been hurt far too many times by fellow Christians in the past few months who have (intentionally or unintentionally) neglected application of this passage.  Friends, when you are inconsistent you hurt a fellow man.  I bring this up because even as recently as this week that man was me.  A word to Christians: reflect on and live according to this verse because the consequences (as stated in the second half) are too grave to ignore.